Upper-Class Twit of the Year

Upper-Class Twit of the Year

Scene: Sporting Field, in particular a running track. Five competitors run onto the pitch.

Commentator: Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter’s afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we’re in for a splendid afternoon’s sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify them for you.

(close-up of the competitors)

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he’s a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year’s outstanding twit. Now they’re moving up to the starting line, there’s a jolly good crowd here today. Now they’re under starter’s orders … and they’re off!

(starter fires the gun; nobody moves)

Ah no, they’re not. No they didn’t realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we’ll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go.

S

(starter fires gun again; the twits move off erratically)

Oh, and they’re off and it’s a fast start this year. Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they’re coming into their first test, the straight line.

(the twits make their way erratically along five white lines)

They’ve got to walk along this straight line without falling over and Oliver’s over at the back there, er, Simon’s coming through quite fast on the outside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There’s Nigel there. Number three, I’m sorry, and on the outside there’s Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position…

(the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high)

Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump… three layers of matchboxes to clear… and Simon’s over and Vivian’s over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime – if only his father could understand. Here’s Nigel … and now Gervaise is over he’s, er, Nigel is over, and it’s Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he’s jumped the wrong way, there he goes, Nigel’s over, beautifully. Now it’s only Oliver. Oliver … and Gervaise… oh bad luck. And now it’s Kicking the Beggar.

(the twits are kicking a beggar with a vending tray)

Simon’s there and he’s putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he’s going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian’s

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